I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I have aggressive nipples.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
