she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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