My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
