my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize