Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
