dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
