it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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