Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
