I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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