if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
BRING THE BAGELS
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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