Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
