Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
