I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
