I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
