Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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