You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
