Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
