Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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