my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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