I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
