I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
