He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
