Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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