So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
