i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
