I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
