Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
