theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
