The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dignity is for republicans.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
