My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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