I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize