I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
