Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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