I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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