hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
