Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Congratulations! We have a period
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