She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
