Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
