I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
