Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
