Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Someone came in the potted fern
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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