Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
