Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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