He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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