it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
