it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize