It's like a parade of train wrecks.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
