my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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