I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
