If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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