I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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