Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
