Girls should come with a carfax report
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
