My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize