The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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