My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im six kinds of drunk right now
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize