I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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